When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
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FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
and now we wait
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.