Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
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2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back