Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
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So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole