Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
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Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD