We are the people our parents warned us about.
You Might Also Like
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.