Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
If you want my opinion ask my wife
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.