[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
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Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I came this close!!!!
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap