An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
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Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?