I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
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Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
DOOO EEEET
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t