When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
You Might Also Like
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
three things we don’t talk about
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door