I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
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Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
i- i did not expect this
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.