I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
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What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
S/o to @funTweeters .
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy