Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
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Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
For the ones in the back.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.