“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
You Might Also Like
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
step 6: release the wall snake
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.