*exercises sarcastically*
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Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.