Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
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I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
How to make infinite energy.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Choose your fighter
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish