[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
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Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.