The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
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Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups