My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
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no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies