Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
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Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
asked my bf how work was today
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.