Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
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I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.