I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
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Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do