WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
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When news reporters do sports stories
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
our love story in four pictures
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
You got this…
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*