Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
You Might Also Like
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.