Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
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A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.