3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
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I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Sign at work today
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
#dnd #ttrpg
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone