doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
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Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.