Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
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I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”