I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
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Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
New Tinder profile.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.