A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
He just like my cat fr
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Confused owl: What?!
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.