A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
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one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.