Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
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Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Bike for sale
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?