Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
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My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Meowchelangelo
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read