I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
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My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Comparing yourself to others
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Smile they said.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.