Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
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[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.