CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
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Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.