Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
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[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Customize Your Wedding.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
A short story of betrayal:
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex