Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
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Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
starting a garage orchestra
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.