[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
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who wore it better?
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I don’t know what to do
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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