I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
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My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free