Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
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93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.