If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
You Might Also Like
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Girl, same.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.