Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
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[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are