If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
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The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*