Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
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I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time