My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
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My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
fourth time’s the charm
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Geez man, take it easy.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.