The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
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Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen