You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
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[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
This is true.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.