Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
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ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.