Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
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“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*